Why I'm not supposed to be a youth minister...

I find myself right now in the midst of being a college grad, a clerk, a student, a Theology of the Body instructor, and a loser living with my parents at the age of 24. Sounds like a fantastic time huh? Well for a while I had been looking into Youth Minister positions and even interviewed for one. My favorite part of this interview was when I asked about how many of the youth actually came back after Confirmation to actually participate in this stuff (because the main focus of this job was to work with the post-Confirmed youth). Mind you, this parish confirms anywhere from 100-150 people a year. My answer came a little like this, "Uh, well we have a good group (as she turns to the other woman who was also interviewing me and talks in hushed tones coming up with a number). It's a good 6 or 7, maybe 8 kids." I was like 8? That's it? You are hiring a full time Youth Minister to work with 8 kids? Wow. That's really sad. Sad on both parts. Because here they are trying their damnedest to get across the word of God to these kids and it results with only about 8 or so caring about their faith enough to seek it out past gradu - I mean Confirmation. And sad on the part of the youth, that they don't care enough about their faith to want to take the journey farther than the CCD classroom.
Now as I'm teaching the Sophomores at my parish St. Mary of Mt. Carmel and our sister parish St. James, I have come into frustrations. When it comes to CCD you get two extremes. If you teach a lower grade like when I taught 4th grade before, they are so young that they're interested, but they don't really understand and you can't really go that deep with them. And once you get them at an age where you can go deeper and they understand more, THEY DON'T CARE!!! How frustrating for a Catechist to try to teach a class when you pretty much are teaching a wall. I am well aware of the whole, well if only one of them gets something out of it you've done good, but it has to be down heartening. I would feel that if I happened to get a job as a youth minister I'd just be frustrated by the fact that I felt like my work never resulted in anything worth my time. I like my work to be rewarding. I want to see something good come out of it or some progress and I feel as if I wouldn't find it there. Even as I work my crappier-than-thou job at the store, I at least feel like I'm making some progress and making things better and that's the kind of job I want. Something where I can see I'm making a difference, not only in Heaven, but here on Earth too. For now, I'll continue to teach the blank wall of students each Wednesday night, but my eyes are focused on the future of my Nursing Vocation, as I inch my way ever closer to it each day.

At What Point, Do The Results Of Choices Become Our Own?

So my title is a bit of a mouthful. This is because tonight I taught for the first time ever, The Theology of the Body. I am team teaching it with 2 other women and 2 other men. And there was a very, shall we say "touchy" subject that was discussed. That of homosexuality. Very controversial in the Catholic Church. So of course, as the Catechists, we had to try to explain it in the way the church teaches it. James said that we are teaching you what the Church teaches because I'm not going to Hell for you. He said that if he'd get up there right now and tell them that it was okay to be gay, then when he died, God would say to him, "James, why on September 8, 2010 did you tell the class of 10th Graders you were teaching The Theology of the Body to that homosexuality was okay? When in fact, you know it is wrong?" Because if we would teach it lightly, or not as the church does, they will go off and think it's okay, and tell others, and there on our consciences, would be the fact that now umpteen people think this is okay because we skewed the truth. So in essence, what I'm trying to address is "At what point do the results of choices become our own?" If James would've chosen to go lightly about this and be like, well I guess it's okay if you think it is, then the results of his choices become his sin with devastating effects. It's crazy what one little choice can do.
This makes teaching this class so difficult. I mean we have to be dead on with the facts and the teachings that we are not allowing these kids (yes, they are kids, only 15 and 16 year old kids) to go away and think what they heard is right. And if we do not speak and teach nothing but truth, they can go away thinking the Church teaches something that it in fact does not teach! I am now responsible for these 26 students, the very well being of their souls. Am I terrified? HELL YES!!! You better believe it! It's going to be so hard. Satan is going to be testing me to the brink of breaking! This is the time where I need to devote so much time to prayer because if I allow the enemy to taunt me, then I will fail not only these kids, but myself and my God. But this is a way to take what I have been given, my resources which are my armor, and use it to further the Kingdom of Heaven.
One of the hardest things will be for me to open up and be real with these kids. I mean telling them things I haven't told anyone. I think this is a way for me to heal more from my struggles with my past and how they are hindering my future. How I have made these mistakes and learned from them. How I am using them. But most importantly telling them that I wish I was told and made to understand this before I chose to let myself fall and sin. It would have been so beneficial to me to have learned this stuff so that I wouldn't have to deal with certain struggles every day of my life. I told them that those who have ears ought to hear. I wish I would've had this opportunity that they have because I would've been a lot better of a person if I had.

Chapter V

So as I look back on my life these past 24 years I kinda group it into 5 chapters. Chapter 1 was my life up to graduation high school. Chapter 2 was the 3 very interesting years I spent at UWSP. Chapter 4 was the 2 1/2 amazing years I spent at Franciscan. Chapter 4 was the time I spent at home being a bum. Finally I have approached chapter 5. That is starting Nursing School! FINALLY!!! But after this semester of one class, I don't know how long it will be before I start the core classes. So that means I need to do something useful with my life. And it may be moving, which I'm not entirely opposed to. So I hope chapter 5 is a better one. Cuz God knows chapter 4 was horribly sucky...

Ponder...

"I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth"
-Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns


I started this post about 20 days ago, and now I'll finish it. This is about my brother who is going through some crazy stuff right now. He is a witness for a murder trial. And it is driving him nuts. The only peace he gets is while he's at church. So I guess prayer is what he needs. I have been trying to do good with prayer. I have been doing alot of the daily scripture readings, but I don't really converse much with God. Now that I work at the WOW store, I am extremely close to St. Brons which means I can go to Thursday adoration after work. I'm really looking forward to it this week, I just need some quiet time with God, just to sit with him.

John 16:23

"Jesus Himself has expressly promised that our prayers shall be heard if only we ask them in His name through the Father. It is a mistake to imagine that consideration of or meditation on the eternal truths is a spiritual exercise reserved for those who have specially consecrated their lives to the service of God in the religious state. It is necessary for all the faithful. Let us recall our Lord's promise: 'Whatever you ask the Father in my name He will give to you.' -John 16:23 "

So one thing that I really struggled with early on in my faith was praying for myself. I felt it nothing less of selfish. There is no way that I should be asking God for these pitiful things of mine. I just took it upon myself to pray the prayers I've know since I was young and to pray for the petitions of others. When I think of it now, isn't praying for others selfish too if I believe that praying for something is selfish? It's odd that I had done that but I don't think I'm the only one who has struggled with those thoughts. This little reflection comes from my weekday Missal from Saturday of the 6th week of Easter. Yes, I am extremely behind in my scripture, but I am trying to catch up. But I don't want to just plow through it all, I'd rather take 2 or so a day and really think about what I am reading and not just read it to get it done. Thank God that I have come out of the lie that I shouldn't pray for myself. I now know that I should tell God EVERYTHING! Even when it's hard, and I do struggle coming to terms with some of my faults and failures. But through His mercy, I hope to someday be able to come to Him and say "I screwed up, and I'll probably screw up again. But I need your help! Please help me fix this."

...tested by fire...

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who in his great mercy gave us a new birth to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you who by the power of God are safeguarded through faith, to a salvation that is ready to be revealed in the final time. In this you rejoice, although now for a little while you may have to suffer through various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold that is perishable even though tested by fire, may prove to be for praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Although you have not seen him you love him; even though you do not see him now yet you believe in him, you rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy, as you attain the goal of faith, the salvation of your souls." -1 Peter 1:3-9

So tomorrow I have an interview at St. Bron's for a Youth Minister Assistant position. So why am I up and it's about 4am? Haha! I don't know. What I do know is that I have been going through tremendous Spiritual Warfare since last week when I was told about my interview. It was coupled with the fact that I also lead the Teacher Night of Reflection last week. That's when the tension was at utmost insanity. My dad is like a ticking time bomb. Saying almost anything to make me crack. Oh I've been angry, but hadn't gone off the deep end - yet. You see, I know exactly what would make this all cool off. That would be to not interview, to not get involved with a job in the church or even attempt it. To just give up and find something else. But that's the beauty of it, I mean obviously it's something I need to do, whether or not I get the job, I think it'll be worth it. To defend that my degree was not a waste and that I do want to do whatever God is asking of me at the moment. These are the trials to suffer that Peter was speaking of in this scripture. Hopefully, when this time of interview and the verdict are over I will be able to rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy. It is a goal, and whether it's what I want or what God wants or both, I hope that in the end it was well worth the battle.

Pondering

"Even in the most difficult of circumstances, nothing is impossible for God. We should ever be aware that God abandons no one, no matter what his or her sin and weakness, if that person is truly repentant. How anxious God is to care for all of us. We need but come to Him as we do at Mass today." -Meditation from the 4th Thursday of Easter, St. Joseph Weekday Missal

Sometimes impossibility seems to be my specialty. Especially when it comes to my vocation in life. I mean, I'm pretty much convinced that I'm not supposed to go into religious life because right now, I don't find any comfort in that. And it just seems out of place for the right reasons that are unexplainable. So then there are two other options: Single life and Married life. I feel like when it comes to this, I get jipped. So this is one of my biggest struggles right now. But even in this difficult circumstance, I have to remember that it is true. For nothing is impossible for God. I have to learn to just trust and come to him.