Chapter V

So as I look back on my life these past 24 years I kinda group it into 5 chapters. Chapter 1 was my life up to graduation high school. Chapter 2 was the 3 very interesting years I spent at UWSP. Chapter 4 was the 2 1/2 amazing years I spent at Franciscan. Chapter 4 was the time I spent at home being a bum. Finally I have approached chapter 5. That is starting Nursing School! FINALLY!!! But after this semester of one class, I don't know how long it will be before I start the core classes. So that means I need to do something useful with my life. And it may be moving, which I'm not entirely opposed to. So I hope chapter 5 is a better one. Cuz God knows chapter 4 was horribly sucky...

Ponder...

"I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth"
-Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns


I started this post about 20 days ago, and now I'll finish it. This is about my brother who is going through some crazy stuff right now. He is a witness for a murder trial. And it is driving him nuts. The only peace he gets is while he's at church. So I guess prayer is what he needs. I have been trying to do good with prayer. I have been doing alot of the daily scripture readings, but I don't really converse much with God. Now that I work at the WOW store, I am extremely close to St. Brons which means I can go to Thursday adoration after work. I'm really looking forward to it this week, I just need some quiet time with God, just to sit with him.

John 16:23

"Jesus Himself has expressly promised that our prayers shall be heard if only we ask them in His name through the Father. It is a mistake to imagine that consideration of or meditation on the eternal truths is a spiritual exercise reserved for those who have specially consecrated their lives to the service of God in the religious state. It is necessary for all the faithful. Let us recall our Lord's promise: 'Whatever you ask the Father in my name He will give to you.' -John 16:23 "

So one thing that I really struggled with early on in my faith was praying for myself. I felt it nothing less of selfish. There is no way that I should be asking God for these pitiful things of mine. I just took it upon myself to pray the prayers I've know since I was young and to pray for the petitions of others. When I think of it now, isn't praying for others selfish too if I believe that praying for something is selfish? It's odd that I had done that but I don't think I'm the only one who has struggled with those thoughts. This little reflection comes from my weekday Missal from Saturday of the 6th week of Easter. Yes, I am extremely behind in my scripture, but I am trying to catch up. But I don't want to just plow through it all, I'd rather take 2 or so a day and really think about what I am reading and not just read it to get it done. Thank God that I have come out of the lie that I shouldn't pray for myself. I now know that I should tell God EVERYTHING! Even when it's hard, and I do struggle coming to terms with some of my faults and failures. But through His mercy, I hope to someday be able to come to Him and say "I screwed up, and I'll probably screw up again. But I need your help! Please help me fix this."

...tested by fire...

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who in his great mercy gave us a new birth to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you who by the power of God are safeguarded through faith, to a salvation that is ready to be revealed in the final time. In this you rejoice, although now for a little while you may have to suffer through various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold that is perishable even though tested by fire, may prove to be for praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Although you have not seen him you love him; even though you do not see him now yet you believe in him, you rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy, as you attain the goal of faith, the salvation of your souls." -1 Peter 1:3-9

So tomorrow I have an interview at St. Bron's for a Youth Minister Assistant position. So why am I up and it's about 4am? Haha! I don't know. What I do know is that I have been going through tremendous Spiritual Warfare since last week when I was told about my interview. It was coupled with the fact that I also lead the Teacher Night of Reflection last week. That's when the tension was at utmost insanity. My dad is like a ticking time bomb. Saying almost anything to make me crack. Oh I've been angry, but hadn't gone off the deep end - yet. You see, I know exactly what would make this all cool off. That would be to not interview, to not get involved with a job in the church or even attempt it. To just give up and find something else. But that's the beauty of it, I mean obviously it's something I need to do, whether or not I get the job, I think it'll be worth it. To defend that my degree was not a waste and that I do want to do whatever God is asking of me at the moment. These are the trials to suffer that Peter was speaking of in this scripture. Hopefully, when this time of interview and the verdict are over I will be able to rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy. It is a goal, and whether it's what I want or what God wants or both, I hope that in the end it was well worth the battle.

Pondering

"Even in the most difficult of circumstances, nothing is impossible for God. We should ever be aware that God abandons no one, no matter what his or her sin and weakness, if that person is truly repentant. How anxious God is to care for all of us. We need but come to Him as we do at Mass today." -Meditation from the 4th Thursday of Easter, St. Joseph Weekday Missal

Sometimes impossibility seems to be my specialty. Especially when it comes to my vocation in life. I mean, I'm pretty much convinced that I'm not supposed to go into religious life because right now, I don't find any comfort in that. And it just seems out of place for the right reasons that are unexplainable. So then there are two other options: Single life and Married life. I feel like when it comes to this, I get jipped. So this is one of my biggest struggles right now. But even in this difficult circumstance, I have to remember that it is true. For nothing is impossible for God. I have to learn to just trust and come to him.

Matthew 5:16

"So let your light shine before men, that they may see your works and glorify your Father who is in Heaven." -Matthew 5:16

So I am heading up another retreat. Well it's not really a retreat, more like a prayer service. And it's for the Teacher's end of the year meeting. So I've had a few ideas bounce around in my head, but not many whatsoever. My main thing is to incorporate our Lady's virtues into it somehow. But I don't necessarily want to give a 'teaching'. So here's what I've come up with so far. Start by processing in with the Virgin Mary statue to singing the Magnificat song. Then mayhaps bring in her Virtues. I've started the Consecration Preparation For The Triumphant Victory of the Immaculate Heart of Mary. In it is a Chaplet of 7 of her Virtues. I thought it would be beautiful to pray that together. But to explain, I have not the foggiest idea. So then I thought "Maybe I could talk about something on my European excursions. I had visited 3 Marian Apparition sites. And 2 of them are where this Consecration is coming from: Fatima & Medjugorge. But I can't come up with anything. Then I think of Our Lady of Knock and how her message was silent, yet most powerful to me. I could talk about how her virtues emulate through her and bring her closer to her son. And we must do the same, and when we do that, we also will start to point to her son. Mayhaps this is a good start. Ponder...then mom wants to pray over the teachers, but I'm not allowed cuz I'll 'scare' them by speaking in tongues. Ha, the cruel humor, I can't pray to God in the language of perfect prayer.

Ramblings & Such...

In the Gospel from the Tuesday of the 4th week of Easter we hear Jesus saying this, "The works I do in my Father's name testify to me. But you do not believe because you are not among my sheep." -John 19. Sometimes I wonder when reading scripture like this if I am really among the chosen or am I going to be like one of the Jews who are not among Christ's sheep. They are asking Him why He can't right out and say who He is and tell them everything. They say that He keeps them in suspense. This is something that I ask too sometimes, especially when I want to hear an answered prayer plain as day, black and white. No more of that waiting around thinking is that the answer? But then if Christ did not drag us along a little or confuse us, use parables, etc. How boring would it get? I mean this requires us to pray more. To seek Him out more and more often. If every time we prayed to Him about something and immediately He gave an answer that was right to the point, then where would that need for trust and praying to Him more fervently? He wants us to come to Him a lot! To Him it is black and white but we must seek out what He is saying to us. And it is so much fun to do that. To fall in love with going to Him day in and day out not knowing when it's going to hit us and we are like DUH!! That's what He is telling me. Christ is just awesome in that way and I love that He loves me in my ramblings, like right now.