Childlike Wonder

There are four questions for me to ponder in my reflection tonight. They are:

1. How do we who are no longer children receive the mysteries of the reign of God?
2. Is there a place in our hearts for childlike wonder?
3. For taking delight in promises?
4. For expecting great things?

 These are easy questions, but the are also really tough when you answer them honestly. Question one reminds  me of my CCD kids. They are high school sophomores at the ages of 15 and 16. They are volatile. They are young but they are no longer 'children'. However when they are taught the truth they seem to not want to receive these mysteries of light. One has even called me 'weird' in the sense of how could I even believe in this crap or live like that. I remember when I once was that same way. The world revolved around me (hey, I'm not gonna lie, some days it still does ;) and I didn't care about God or a lot of things for that matter. But many years and small conversions later I have gotten to where I am today. How do I receive these mysteries of the reign of God? I'd have to say in two ways: 1) In Awe and Wonder or 2) In disgust. And these are usually my first impressions. Take for example the New Translation of the English Roman Missal. I thought it was ridiculous the first time I heard some of the changes. However, over time and education, it turned to Awe and Wonder. Now, I LOVE it! So when I receive new wonders, I need to work on receiving them in awe. To want to get to know why they are that way and then I usually fall in love with the wisdom.
This brings me to the second question. Yes, there is a place in our hearts for childlike wonder. Mine has some but it's definitely a work in progress. Hence the disgust part. I am not perfect and will never be, but I think I like myself a whole lot better when I have more of a childlike wonder in my heart.
To take delight in promises? Uh that's a hard one. This reflection talks about the 'new shoot' sprouting from Jesse's stump.  Issiah's "new shoot" is a person, Jesus. So if the promises I'm delighting in are those of Christ, I have to take delight in them, He only promises the best for me. From others, I'm a bit more skeptical I guess.
To expect great thing? We can't all receive great things all the time, otherwise nothing would be great. I guess I have to expect that God has great things for me otherwise I'd be a lousy Catholic. When those great things are to come to me, I haven't the foggiest idea, but when I look back at all the great things I have done in life, 85% of the time they were because God had put me there. There's no way I would've received any of those great things if I would've gone on my own path and not let God lead me to them.
These are great Advent questions that I'd probably have better answers for if it wasn't 2:30am. Oh I need some sleep, have to be up for work in 3 1/2 hours!

Many Will Come

Today's reflection is about letting your worries not trouble you and asking God to keep things in line. Sometimes that is hard for me. Next week I turn 26 (damn, I'm getting old!) and I don't even start nursing school for another 9 months. Now that I have a job in my career field, it's getting pretty mundane. I go to work. I come home, a lot of the time I fall asleep (been doing this since high school, waking up before 9am is not good for me) and wake up stay up all night, sleep a few hours and do it all over again. Of course there is the occasional day off and times I actually do stuff, but the most worrisome of it is what the heck am I gonna do when I actually finish nursing school. I really don't want to work at St. Michael's Hospital and I don't really want to live in Stevens Point, WI. When I look ahead past that time of graduation I get kinda worried, cuz all I see is a whitish/grey abyss. The part of today's reflection that hit me the most goes like this:

"Today may I know what I am: created, not self-made,
instructed to walk and work in God's ways."

Sometimes it's hard to trust in what God has in store. When I look at the past, not all of it is pretty and awesome. But a lot of it is. I guess when I let Him make the decisions I can do and accomplish some pretty awesome things. I mean I never thought I'd graduate college and now I'm already two years past completion of my 1st Bachelor's Degree. I'll end with another part of the reflection. Happy Monday.

"May the shriveled and disused part of my heart be bathed in God's mercy today,
that I might see sunlight for what it is: the gaze that beholds and heals us all."

Advent; Present and Alert

Today is Advent. The beginning of the Revised Translation of the Roman Missal. Since I worked this weekend, I went to Mass last night for the Sunday Vigil. As the lector took to the pulpit and for 20ish minutes read to us about the new translation, followed by father's explanation for another 10, I was thinking "Are you freaking kidding me? You waited until the day to do this? Where was the preparations beforehand? This should've been done in the months preceding, not tonight!" Father also announced that there would be no singing which was very ridiculous since we had been singing the new music for over a month. That was the only preparation we actually did (well except a poorly attended video explanation of it) and we couldn't even do that part?!?! I know I'm being very judgmental, however, I myself was prepared for this. I endured a 10+ hour lecture on this and I did my homework. I was SOOO excited for the change and then last night was just a crazy disappointment. I love my church. It's beyond gorgeous, but I was so disappointed at how it was played out. It was just chaotic. Not this beautiful thing. I'm hoping it gets better, because I LOVE this new translation. I really do. I was leery at first, but I made my peace with it. I did my homework and was prepared. I just wish I could say the rest of my parish was as well. After reading a reflection today it gave me a question to ponder/pray about. The reflection ended this way:

"We face four weeks of fairly relentless activity; point and shoot (the reflection was about a photographer). But the liturgy is calling us in another direction, toward mindfulness, toward vigil and alertness. Is there some wisdom in these readings that can help us negotiate this tension?"

What pops out to me in this is the word 'vigil'. As I worked this weekend I was able to keep a vigil with one of our residents as she was actively dying and entered into eternal life this earlier this afternoon. Life is such a gift and  to be there with a person in their last moments is something special and unique. Her death was so peaceful and she was surrounded by all of her family members. It was such a blessing, it was so humbling to be able to care for her these last few months. To see her from my day one to her last day. To be able to hold her hand and pray for her (not with, that's against policy, stupid is what I call it). The gospel says that we need to be watchful! Be alert! You do not know when the time will come. Death can come on all too quickly. As in this case, just the other day she told me, "Well if it's cute, it's worth saying hi to." And today she is in a different place entirely. Not to be too morbid, but as I was able to wash her body and get it ready to be taken to the funeral home, I felt like I was doing a great service for her. To give her dignity in her last moments in the place she called home for the last few years. After you watch someone die, you change your whole outlook on life. It is such a gift. You treasure the moments you have with people. You do not know the time or the place when you will meet the God of the Universe face-to-face.

Eternal rest grant unto her O, Lord. And let the perpetual light shine upon her.  May she and all the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace. Amen.

 (After I published this it cut off the end. So I made up a new one, but I don't think it's as good as the original. Oh technology, you suck!)

Pumpkin Mania!!!

Last year, my cousin Kassandra asked me if I wanted to carve pumpkins cuz she had a bunch that randomly grew in her garden. How did they grow randomly? Well the year before, after carving pumpkins she threw the guts in her garden and the next autumn, pumpkins galore! I wasn't that thrilled at carving pumpkins or was really all that good at it. But nonetheless, we carved pumpkins that night, until about 4 in the morning when we realized that we didn't have any candles to light them up with. So that resulted in an impromptu trip to WalMart, which is the best time of day to go into WalMart. Since it was Halloween Weekend, we decided to wear wigs. So I wore a mullet wig and she wore a long haired blue wig. The looks were priceless, not to mention the fact that we saw a creepy looking person who was dressed up for Halloween but the way they were made us know that this is what that person dressed up as every day. Oh the people of WalMart...
I thought my pumpkins turned out pretty awesome! I did a new technique of scraping off the top layer of the pumpkin and it's now my favorite thing to do when carving pumpkins!

Nilla Almond!

My first attempt was to carve my dog Nilla. She was a yellow lab. It's not perfect but it is pretty cool. I was proud of myself. I don't remember the rest of the order, but they were also pretty cool. Not perfect, cuz I'm not an artist by any means, but pretty good for an amateur.

From Left: Witch, Bat over the Moon, Nilla, RIP & another Bat

Close Up of the Headstone and a bat flying over the Full Moon. The Bat pumpkin is green so it looked really cool in the light. The moon is pale because it was scraped, not carved.

The scraping is really cool but kinda hard to capture on camera. It probably has to do with the fact that I'm not a very good photographer. This years pumpkins are still in the making, I have carved 5 so far. When I am finished with them all I will share my handiwork! It was fun to bring up some old memories!

I think blogger hates me!

So in the past year or so as I've been very slowly writing in my blog, I enjoy more than ever reading other people's blogs. Especially blog  posts about Catholicism. If you haven't been creeping on me, you probably don't know this. I am one of, well now 5 Catechists for the Theology of the Body program at my Parish (Our Lady of Mt. Carmel) and another parish my priest administrates, St. James. We follow the book "Theology of the Body for Teens." The book is great, don't get me wrong, but there is sooooo much more to bring in. As a single person, my only real responsibilities are to myself and my jobs. I have no one else to care for or anyone who solely relies on me, unlike the other 4 Catechists that I tag-team teach with. They are all married and have children ranging from college age to one in the womb. The others have very little free time in which to research and find extra material in which to present outside of the text.
Like I said at the beginning, I love to read others blogs. And a lot of times, if there is something so good, a point that I can't pass up, I use it in class. This goes for amazing articles that people post on facebook as well. My mom is the DRE of my parish and she has heard the different viewpoints of all of us catechists. She feels that the program should evolve. The videos, to be blunt, kinda, sorta, really suck. They become increasingly boring. Especially when you have to watch them week after week. Don't get me wrong, they are full of incredibly good information. But when you add  23 fifteen year-olds in a room together, in which 95% of them just came from some sort of sports practice after a full day of school and no dinner and pop in these videos, this all equals sleepy teenagers who want to nap or screw around.
Any good teacher (or in my case, catechist) comes into teaching with their ideas. Year one you go through the material. You most likely rate your lessons: That was perfect, that was alright, could be better, that didn't work so good, that bombed, I'll never do that again, etc. Year two comes around and you reuse what works, eliminate what did not, and tweak what needs to be tweaked. You do this year after year. I came into teaching TOB last year when it was in it's third year at our parish. Two of the catechists were there from the beginning and there was myself and another newbie. Well after a year, I had pretty much ranked what we did into some of the above categories. This year we met as teachers. Mind you, one came back who taught the first two years. This caused the other newbie from last year to feel unnecessary and she stopped showing up.  Well we agreed to take certain subjects and group them and kinda teach it in it's entirety, instead of bringing it up in small doses as the chapters seem to skip around sometimes and very much so keep repeating themselves. Some of the students felt that we just kept repeating ourselves week after week. Another thing was to eliminate the videos. Well if there is something good to use, then show that aspect, but they aren't needed for every class.
So after 3 classes it seemed as if that wasn't working and it's slowly started to go back to what it was before with a lot of tangents going on. Tangents are good, if they can be brought back into the subject at hand, but 80% of the time it's off subject for the rest of class and the purpose of the class was never fully finished and we just move on.
As the DRE, my mom wanted to put together another outline, which I helped her with, since I am one of the Catechists. She sent it out to the 4 others and basically I was completely attacked tonight by it. Yes you can say that a lot of it was my input, but halfway through this discussion I had to ask the question, "Do you not want me here? Is that what you are getting at?" I am one to know when I am not wanted and I will up and leave. Part of my growing holier is to cut out things that are not bringing me closer to God. If I am doing nothing but offending the other Catechists because I want to go with the flow of evolving the program and the others want to go back to the "let's watch the video and see where it goes" then mayhaps, I should let them. In a certain sense, that may be the easy route, just let the program be lukewarm, not let it grow and let it remain complacent.
Then I think of the kids, my students. I truly feel like I can connect with them. I'm closer in age to them and they can relate to me better than the others who have 20, 30+ years on them.  I can stand up for my faith and answer the hard questions the way the church does, no matter how hard they try to justify that the world view is right. I am able to take these amazing blog posts, current events articles, papal documents and bring them into the classroom. I have the time and I enjoy doing it! I guess what I need to do is humble myself further and maybe just shut my mouth, which has gotten me in trouble in the past. I hands down LOVE teaching this subject. It challenges me to want to know more about my faith. I want to be able to answer the hard questions and at this point in my life, I am able to put a ton of effort into this! Jesus, allow me to see the plan you have for me. Give me that profound humility that your mother has. Give me the courage to stand up for the truth and to better the program or if it be your will that I walk away and move onto the next part of my life that you have in store for me.
In the end I think we all want to know why blogger hates me. Well it's the fact that when I look at all these blogs they are so personalized, they are artsy, they are pretty, cute and I for the life of me can not figure out how to make mine look good enough to reflect me. Everything I want to change gives me no options to do so and I just can't seem to make a color scheme pop! Ugh...oh well, it'll have to be the weird looking boring thing it's always been. One day, mayhaps, I'll get it to feel like 'me'. For now, I'll just not look at it too much. I guess I'll stop ranting now, but I think the best part of blogging is just getting to spill your guts when you just can't seem to do it any other way.

I'm trying to be a Morning Person

I really don't know why I'm still up but I am. Why would you be surprised that I'm still up at 12:26am? Well I've been working a first shift job all week! That's right kids, I have a big kid job! It only took me 25 years to get one, haha.
Here's how it all went down:
I sing at church every once in a while with three other people. One of those people is Deb. While we were rehearsing one evening she talked about a co-workers daughter who has a CNA job at an Assisted Living. This girl was going back to college and there was a need to fill her position. I became curious and actually had an application from back in January when I picked up applications from a handful of Assisted Livings. So I filled it out. I turned it in the next day (This was a Wednesday) and the next day I was called for an interview which would take place the next Tuesday. I went to my interview and was basically told that if my background check and references all checked out I'd be put on the schedule. The next day (Wednesday) I received a call while at work and it was about a job offer!!! I was sooooooooo excited! I had a big kid job!!! I was going to be making more money than I ever have and be getting a significant amount of hours (About 56-58 every 2 weeks!) I was going to be actually using one of my degrees! Well, certificate. I however, did not want to make the $118 for my CNA exam a waste, I really wanted to use it seeing as I am starting Nursing School next year.
My next step was to put in my two weeks notice at the Country Store. When I did my aunt shit a brick, she also proceeded to bitch me out for 10 minutes. I was really happy no customers came in at that time. She did apologize 10 minutes later and things were just kinda weird for my last two weeks. Oh well. At first I wasn't going to be replaced and 2 days before I was finished a "Now Hiring" sign went in the window. I think they should hire a man, that place lacks testosterone!!!
Anyways, last week Tuesday I started my new job under the title of CNA! Today I pretty much worked on my own and did fairly well. Except I forgot to empty a couple garbage cans. I hope they don't hate me now, but I'm still getting the hang of everything. I was so nervous about learning names cuz I'm soooo bad at it! However, to my surprise, I am pretty sure that I can remember ALL 22 of the residents names! HUZZAH!!! The best part about landing this job: I GET TO WEAR SCRUBS AGAIN!!! I was able to pull them out of retirement. I was like "I remember you! And I remember you! I can't wait to wear you again!" Okay, it really didn't go like that, but I was ridiculously excited to wear them again! I even went to Fleet Farm on Friday and bought two new scrub pants. One is light blue, the other dark purple. I just love how comfortable they are! The best part, I don't have to wear out my good clothes anymore at work. WIN!
So back to the question at hand, why am I feeling guilty for being up? Cuz I've been working 1st shift. Yes, this perpetual night owl is waking up at 5:30am. Tomorrow I have First Aide Training so I get to go in for 9 so I get to 'sleep in'. Haha. I've actually only slept past 10:00 once in like the last 4 weeks. Crazy. I must be becoming an adult. Now that's a scary thought!

Sailboats & Other Fairly Stupid Tales of my Current Life

I haven't posted anything in a while, and I don't think that it's a bad thing. I know that my blog pretty much goes unread, so whether I post or not, I don't think it matters. Therefore, I leave you with a list of things that have been going on in my life lately for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!

• No matter what, I think that as long as I shall live, I will freak out and hyperventilate when there is a tornado. As evidenced yesterday when one touched down very close to my house. Apparently the neighbors saw the funnel cloud/tornado out their window. I however, was huddled in the basement, bawling like a baby and praying a Divine Mercy Chaplet & Rosary. Needless to say, Our Lady & her Son won this battle cuz I'm still here as well as everything in my yard, untouched and unharmed. Afterwards I went to find a rainbow since it was still raining but the sun was shining, I didn't find a rainbow but got a few cool pictures of the post tornadic skies.

Standing in the field across the street from my house looking north

Then as I went down the road, I picked some Asparagus! 

• I LOVE Asparagus! I am very thankful that it grows wild on my road. This means that I get to pick it! It not only gives me a delicious meal, but I get some much needed exercise with my dog while I go to pick it. After reading Under the Tuscan Sun and being jealous that the author goes outside and harvests all this amazingly deliciously sounding food, I guess it's kind of the same thing. Starting with the Asparagus in the Spring, followed by onions, raspberries & peas then the countless other fruits and veggies (peppers, carrots, cucumbers, tomatoes, broccoli, etc.) that I get to go outside and harvest whenever I become hungry.

Delicious Asparagus that I picked after the Storm! I know it's hard to see to the untrained eye, but there are Six 1-2' stalks!

       Which brings me to my next point:

• After reading Under the Tuscan Sun I became obsessed with herbs and have started growing basil and oregano. The worst part of this is that they are still baby plants and I can't harvest them yet! I am most looking forward to making fresh Pesto, which I fell in love with when I lived in Europe! The Country Store (or Nu U Foods, which is the Hell Hole I slave in) sells a Pesto, but it's a dried version that you add oil to and it's not the same.
• Point 4! My shitty job! Less than two weeks ago I checked my towns Hospital Job Site and they posted a CNA job. FINALLY! So I apply at like 2am Friday. Fast forward less than 12 hours and I get a phone call for a phone screening which I shall have Monday morning at 9am. It goes over very well because I'm asked to come in for a face-to-face interview on Wednesday at 8:30am. I do my best and am told I will hear by Friday or Monday (they really don't know, seeing as they have really nothing with them but blank pieces of paper to take notes.) Well it's Monday and I haven't been contacted yet. So I'm guessing that it's a no. I guess that means that my slave duties at the store (Whatever it's name is right now, I don't even know) still stand.
• So bring on the 5th point. I do the honest thing and I tell my Aunt that I have these interviews and by some miraculous chance, if I get the Full Time position, I will be quitting indefinitely. So what do they do? They hound me everyday since then as to if I got the job and went as far as getting a shit ton of applications (I kid you not, a stack of them!) and placing a "Now Accepting Applications" sign in the window. I even said, "Hey! I'm not dead yet! There are no guarantees I'll even get the Full Time, let alone the Part Time position I applied for!"
•  Oh yea, and I was told 2 weeks ago that they would be increasing my hours. At the time I was getting about 23 a week. The week after that I got 25, last week 28. This week 22.5! I don't know about you, but where I come from, that's a DECREASE!!! When I asked why it was like that because I was really confused, there was a "Well I don't know what it is that Jimmy wants you to do, but when I know I'll adjust the schedule..."(walk away). STORY OF MY FREAKING LIFE AT THIS SHITTY JOB!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.
• Bring on the 7th point! There is an option for switching occupations. With out explaining, there is a company interested in hiring me. What I would do is go to homes of people who need assistance and help them get ready for bed. It's basically a health care job and it pays pretty well with the opportunity for working full time. So it could get me some experience so that if I would get another opportunity to interview with the hospital, I would at least have some experience to back up my resume.
• Now to bring me to my most exciting part of this week (NOT!) I have to serve on Jury Duty Wednesday starting at 8am. PUKE! Oh and they say to show up 15 minutes early! I think I'll be rolling out of bed at 7:15 and looking like crap, cuz frankly, I DO NOT want to do this. I will be the most awful juror they could pick. So I'm hoping to be eliminated. The only positive thing I get out of this is a paycheck. THANK GOD!
• In conclusion, I had been seeing the damn sail boat of good things in life, but lately, that ship has sailed and now I feel just like Wilhem in Mallrats. Which is one of my favorite movies. I know there's a lot of bad stuff in it and as a Catholic I shouldn't watch it, but it's SOOOOOOOO damn funny! It is by far one of my favorite movies and I love it! To leave you I post a compilation of Wihlem's scenes in the movie. I feel all his frustration and hatred toward that damn sailboat and wish it would come back. Well I guess sometimes you win the ticket and sometimes the boat goes on without you. Enjoy!